Down and Out
It's no secret to my family and friends that I go through bouts of depression. I am not ashamed of it and am thankful that the stigma associated with it in our society has lessened. I've had my ups and downs and have learned from all the trials and tribulations I've faced over the past few years.
The first thing I learned is to accept the fact that I'll probably be on anti-depressants for the long haul. I tried stopping them completely a couple of years ago and that was a disaster. My body just needs them to be chemically in balance.
The second thing I learned is that I can't just sit around waiting for them to do their magic. It's not that easy. Although much of how I feel is chemically-related, there are always environmental factors that play a part in how I feel. I know that I'm very sensitive to stressful situations so try to avoid them as much as possible. I'm also an emotional wreck at times and am trying to control these emotions. This is difficult to do and many times, I fail.
I'm at the point right now though, where I can't distinguish chemical from environmental. What exactly is causing these feelings? For those who are fortunate enough to not know what depression feels like, it's like a black cloud that looms over your head and follows you wherever you go. There is an invisible weight on your shoulders that refuses to disappear. There are tears that sit right behind your eyes, waiting for a small, usually insignificant event, to occur and then they burst out uncontrollably with no warning.
It sounds quite horrible and I'm not going to lie, it really is. I've gone through it so many times though that I have learned to deal with it and wait for it to diminish. I've seen the bottom and don't ever plan on going back. I know that I have to work at putting myself in situations that will allow me to get emotionally and mentally healthy again. I'm trying, but damn, is it hard.
The first thing I learned is to accept the fact that I'll probably be on anti-depressants for the long haul. I tried stopping them completely a couple of years ago and that was a disaster. My body just needs them to be chemically in balance.
The second thing I learned is that I can't just sit around waiting for them to do their magic. It's not that easy. Although much of how I feel is chemically-related, there are always environmental factors that play a part in how I feel. I know that I'm very sensitive to stressful situations so try to avoid them as much as possible. I'm also an emotional wreck at times and am trying to control these emotions. This is difficult to do and many times, I fail.
I'm at the point right now though, where I can't distinguish chemical from environmental. What exactly is causing these feelings? For those who are fortunate enough to not know what depression feels like, it's like a black cloud that looms over your head and follows you wherever you go. There is an invisible weight on your shoulders that refuses to disappear. There are tears that sit right behind your eyes, waiting for a small, usually insignificant event, to occur and then they burst out uncontrollably with no warning.
It sounds quite horrible and I'm not going to lie, it really is. I've gone through it so many times though that I have learned to deal with it and wait for it to diminish. I've seen the bottom and don't ever plan on going back. I know that I have to work at putting myself in situations that will allow me to get emotionally and mentally healthy again. I'm trying, but damn, is it hard.
posted by Leslie @ 4:21 PM
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